Dear Dania,
My dear friend has recently entered into a new relationship, and I’m deeply concerned because I believe the person she’s chosen is terrible for her.
Let me start by saying that I genuinely care about my friend’s well-being and happiness. We’ve been through thick and thin together, and I’ve always tried to be supportive of her choices. However, this time, I can’t help but feel that she’s making a big mistake.
The person she’s now dating seems to exhibit behaviours and qualities that raise red flags for me. But I don’t know if I should mind my business and keep my mouth shut or let her know my thoughts.
Alisha*
Dear Alisha*,
Thank you for your letter.
I am sorry to hear that you are concerned about your friend and her new relationship. When you care about someone, it is tough to watch them potentially putting themselves in harm’s way. And where does that leave you? Should you save her from the clutches of this possible menacing figure or trust that she will eventually free herself from their ominous spell? I’d imagine that you don’t want to come across as over-bearing, yet you wish to protect her at all costs. Is there a middle ground? Let’s find out.
Since you seem to have a strong connection, I am wondering whether you could mention to her some of the concerns you’ve been having? In any relationship, you are entitled to voice your opinions, provided that you’re respectful of the other person’s feelings and that you strive to be understanding of their choices. In my opinion, a good friend is also someone who is trustworthy and willing to address certain uncomfortable truths.
If you do decide to have a conversation with her, here are some tips you could follow:
- Express to her how much she means to you.
- Discuss needs in a romantic relationship.
- Could her partner meet them? (Can she overlook certain behaviours or would she become quite resentful?).
- Address some of the concerns you have e.g., “I’m just wondering whether they may be right for you. I have to say that I am a bit concerned about some behaviours I’ve seen. I don’t want to see you get hurt”
- Avoid badmouthing her partner, as she may go on the defensive. Try to be as objective as you can.
- Be gentle, loving and try not to judge.
- Try not to be sarcastic and listen to what she has to say.
Love can certainly make us blind – some of us may only regain our sight when we are finally ready to confront the truth. Keep this in mind when approaching this subject with your friend. It is possible that she may ignore your concerns and continue with the relationship. It is not your responsibility to rescue her, as that would imply that you don’t trust her judgement or respect her boundaries. You can certainly help and give advice, but you’ll have to make peace with her decision. Ask yourself this – would you be able to be by her side despite her romantic choices? If so, make sure you convey that to your friend!
I understand that the love we have for our friends can render us very protective, however we must also accept that they need to find their inner power in order to slay dragons masked in lustful clothing. Time is vision and with vision action may come.
For more information/tips please click here or alternatively you may want to consider seeking for professional help.
I wish you all the best.
Your sincerely,
Dania
Dear Dania is for informational purposes only, Always seek the advice of a mental-health professional, or other qualified health practitioners with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. We may edit your letter for length and/or clarity.
*The author’s identifying details have been changed in order to protect their privacy.
