Dear Dania,
I am really blessed – I have a wonderful boyfriend, and to tell you the truth, he is my best friend. He is the person that I like the most and feel the safest with. I also have great friends, although my friendship circle has got smaller over the years. Whenever I watch films or a tv series depicting female friendships, I wonder whether I should be searching for my own girl best friend? I think I would like to have one in my life but where would I find her? And do I need one or am I just being greedy? I think I probably have about 3 close friends, so I am also secretly hoping to enlarge my circle.
Kaia*
Dear Kaia*,
Thank you for your letter.
It gives me great pleasure to hear about the wonderful bond you share with your boyfriend. It’s clear that you have managed to build a strong foundation of trust, safety and understanding. You also seem to have a good friendship group, which is very helpful. It is not fair to expect our partner to be everything for us all of the time, though, so it is crucial to have a support network on which you can rely. So, the question that you might want to pose yourself here is this: why the sudden need to find a girl best friend? Is it a classic example of “the grass is always greener” mentality or are you perhaps yearning to have an intimate bond with someone other than your partner?
You mentioned that your friendship circle has gotten smaller. Has this caused you some anxiety? As we age, it is perfectly normal to purge ourselves of relationships/people that do not serve us anymore. I liken friendships to clothes that we have worn over the years – some make us avert our gaze in embarrassment, while others fill us with joy and pride. How is your wardrobe looking now? Are your current pieces of clothing to your liking, or do you need an upgrade?
It sounds like you have great friendships, so it may be the scarcity that is bothering you. Are you of the opinion that you need a cavalry of friends in order to be happy? The more soldiers in your corner, the better the chance of survival? Or is there something else bubbling under the surface? Are you worried that you might be judged for having a small circle of friends? I would encourage you to dig deep and reflect before casting the net wide open.
Now, in terms of wanting a female best friend, I must say that I detect a bit of confusion on your part. I believe that you probably enjoyed how female friendships have been depicted in certain programs, however are you basing your ideas of what female friendship is solely on fiction?
Perhaps you could ask yourself these questions:
- Why is it important for me to have a female best friend?
- What am I hoping to gain by having a female best friend?
- How would this friendship differ from my other ones?
- Do my friends meet my needs? Do I want a girl best friend for my unmet needs?
- Am I looking for a specific kind of love? If so, why?
- Would I feel fulfilled without a female best friend?
If after answering these questions you decide to find a soul-sister, I would suggest that you frequent places where you are likely to find like-minded people. Or you could join a club or even download an app designed to help you find friends in your area, such as Bumble BFF.
Remember, best friends are great but so are tight-knit tribes. The heart of the village is what helps with raising a child, not so much its size.
For more information/tips please click here or alternatively you may want to consider enlisting professional help in the form of a therapist.
I wish you all the best.
Your sincerely,
Dania
Dear Dania is for informational purposes only, Always seek the advice of a mental-health professional, or other qualified health practitioners with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. We may edit your letter for length and/or clarity.
*The author’s identifying details have been changed in order to protect their privacy.
