Dear Dania,
I am currently in a supportive and loving relationship, but I feel haunted by my previous, dysfunctional one. The relationship ended three years ago and I thought I had put it behind me, but recently thoughts and emotions have been overwhelming me.
When we broke up, a mutual friend admitted that they approved of the split because they believed that I had been emotionally abused by my partner. I discussed this with two therapists since then and they both confirmed that. I’ve come back to this fact at least once a week since then and now I find myself unable to sleep or just seething with rage at random moments.
I don’t ever want to speak to this person again, so I know that some kind of closure or apology isn’t going to happen. Does that mean I’m stuck feeling this way forever?
Please help.
Justin*
Dear Justin*,
Thank you for your letter.
I am sorry to hear about your recent struggles with emotional abuse. Coming to terms with the end of a relationship is often quite challenging, but reconciling with the harsh reality of abuse can be difficult in itself. I’d imagine that you may now find yourself in the midst of a long, drawn-out war with your own emotions.
While anger can sometimes be an incredibly helpful tool, rage can certainly have detrimental effects on an individual and those around them. These are some of the symptoms that you can experience when you feel uncontrollable anger:
- Irritability
- Impatience
- Desire for revenge
- Aggression
- Increased heart rate
- Tense muscles
- Flushed or red face
- Sweating
- Shaking or trembling
- Clenched fists or jaw
- Trouble sleeping
- Rumination
- Tunnel vision
- Yelling or screaming
- Violent actions
You mentioned that you have seen two therapists. I wonder whether you might be able to explore the emotions that may lie underneath all of this rage with a trusted professional? Do you just feel hurt or betrayed by your ex’s actions? Or could it be that there might be some sadness or guilt? Gregory Jantz mentions that emotional abuse is “the intentional devaluing of one person by another in order to elevate themselves”. Quite often, those who have been subjected to it may grapple with feelings of blame, shame, and powerlessness. I’d invite you to dig deep.
It seems that there are things that you would like to get off your chest, so I am wondering whether you might also benefit from doing some empty chair work with a therapist? Essentially, this particular technique involves an individual engaging in dialogue with an empty chair, which represents the person you would like to confront. The purpose of this technique is to help you resolve any unfinished business you may have and to become more self-aware in the process. If this might prove to be too difficult, perhaps you could try writing a letter to your ex (without sending it to them) and putting down on paper everything you wish you could tell them.
If you are not able to see a therapist at this point in time, you can journal and write down a list of emotions that resonate with how you’re feeling. If you feel ready enough to do so, you could even reflect on some of the comments your ex would make and think back to how those words made you feel at the time. For example: if they would make unhealthy remarks over certain characteristics about your personality, how would that make you feel? If this proves to be too difficult and/or too overwhelming, please take a breather. Only come back to it when you’re ready. Remember that identifying and processing the different emotions that have led to this war is the key to peace.
I am a huge fan of inner child work – reconnecting with our past self/selves and healing those parts by giving them the warmth, understanding, and reassuring that they might not have received. If you could picture yourself having a conversation with the version of you that was involved with your ex, what do you think you would tell them? Could you visualise yourself empathising with your younger self? Showing up for ourselves with nurturing arms and knowing eyes can truly be a healing experience. For tips, please refer to the link below.
Healing these emotional scars is a process – be kind to yourself and take your time when confronting old ghosts.
For more information/tips please click here or alternatively you may wish to return to full-time therapy and discuss this with a mental health professional.
I wish you all the best.
Your sincerely,
Dania
Dear Dania is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of a mental-health professional, or other qualified health practitioners with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. We may edit your letter for length and/or clarity.
*The author’s identifying details have been changed in order to protect their privacy.
