Dear Dania,
I worry that my partner doesn’t realise how much I love and care about him. We have been together for 5 years and have spoken about getting married plenty of times. Lately, I have been under a huge amount of stress, due to work pressures, which has resulted in several arguments with my boyfriend. Each time we argue, I feel resentful towards him, as these fights are adding more stress to my life. Long story short – he now feels that our future could be in danger and has asked me to refrain from talking about marriage. That hurts me. Even though I feel resentful and angry when we argue, I still want to get married to him and live the rest of our lives together. How can I tell him that?
Lola*
Dear Lola*,
Thank you for your letter.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time at the moment. I understand that we all go through difficult periods in our lives, however stress, if unmonitored, can silently kill your relationship. In a similar way to mould, this infestation can lead to serious physical health issues as well as negatively impact your mental health. Is there a way to save your love from the grips of these spores? Let’s find out.
You mentioned that the stress you are experiencing is due to work pressures. I am concerned about the effects that work is having on your health, as well as your relationship of course. Is this a particularly busy period at work? How long will it last? As you may know, stress can lead to a myriad of different issues: anxiety, depression, anger, feeling sad/irritable, having headaches, diarrhoea, digestive issues, constipation, aches and pains. If you cannot see an end to this stressful period, I would suggest having a conversation with your manager/superior. If that is not a viable option, perhaps you could think of ways to reduce your stress levels. Here are some tips for you to consider:
- Take some “me time”
- Setting boundaries with yourself and with other people
- Try to avoid alcohol, caffeine or nicotine
- Exercise
- Connect with loved ones
- Do something fun!
- Find a hobby that you truly enjoy
- Consult your gp
- Try doing some yoga or mindfulness
- Try not to bring your work at home (if possible)
- Take regular breaks
- Prioritise tasks
- Ask for help
Work is certainly important, but it shouldn’t cost you your health or your relationship.
Now, you said that you have been arguing more frequently with your partner due to this stress. Have you noticed yourself being more impatient lately? Or perhaps you are feeling more frustrated or irritable? It would seem that any type of annoyance is like a bolt of lightning – it’s quickly followed by your thundering resentment. Are these arguments over something silly or is there a theme, perhaps? Or, are you being triggered? It is possible that your current mental state may be contributing to these disputes, even if there is a chance that something deeper may be going on? I’d like for you to take some time to reflect. You could keep a journal, to help you track themes that may be recurring.
Remember that, even though you may be going through a difficult time right now, there is still no excuse to behave badly towards your partner – e.g., being verbally abusive, screaming, belittling. To be clear: I am not accusing you of anything, however I thought that I would still include this for your information. If you feel yourself becoming angry very quickly, I would suggest that you take a time-out; give yourself a chance to cool off and then revisit the subject at a later time. Also, don’t be scared to apologise, if the situation warrants it.
It is clear that you love him, but it sounds like he may need some reassurance from you. Have you tried telling him what you said in your letter? Specifically, “Even though I feel resentful and angry when we argue, I still want to get married and live the rest of our lives together”. Why don’t you pick a time where you’re both off work and go on a date, so you can have the opportunity to profess your love to him? It seems that the resentment stems mostly from arguing, rather than anything he’s done – have you tried explaining that to him? He might be surprised to learn that.
For more information/tips please click here or alternatively you may want to consider full time therapy as a course of action.
I wish you all the best.
Your sincerely,
Dania
Dear Dania is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of a mental-health professional, or other qualified health practitioners with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. We may edit your letter for length and/or clarity.
*The author’s identifying details have been changed in order to protect their privacy.
