Relationship is like a dance.
This has stayed with me ever since I listened to an episode of Brené Brown’s podcast “Unlocking Us” with Esther Perel years ago.
In this episode, Brené and Esther were discussing the paradoxes in relationships.
So many times, Esther pointed out, people struggle with the “either or” in relationships.
“Shall I stay or, shall I go?”
“Shall I have a kid or shall I not have a kid.”
“He wants this and he wants that…”
“I like staying at home, but she likes going out…”
It seems as if our differences are what ultimately separates us, but they could have been what attracted us toward each other in the first place.
(But) you can’t have one person who only wants safety and the other only wants adventure… Because if the one that wants safety only wanted safety, they would not have chosen you (the adventure, freedom, novelty)…By definition, your choice of the other person represents the part of you that is being often denied or pushed out or dimmed but is there…
As Esther indicated, we so easily fall into a polarized position against each other where we may forget the fact that “both people experience both needs inside of them.”
And that’s the paradox we fail to recognize within ourselves. Instead, we split the paradox into halves- we take half and make the other person take the other half.
When I first came across Esther’s explanation of paradoxical relationships, it felt like a pivotal moment in my life. I reflected on my past romantic relationships and found a missing piece to a puzzle I’d often pondered. If I loved outdoor activities so much, why did I choose partners who preferred staying at home? I thought we were just two completely different creatures who, for mysterious reasons, ended up together and then complained about each other- me asking, “Why don’t you make plans for us to go out” and them asking, “Why do you always want to go and do stuff?”
What I didn’t realize at the time was how my ex provided the sense of security and stability that a part of me longed for, while I brought the fun and excitement that a part of him craved. Moreover, it was with him that I allowed myself to be free and adventurous because I knew I could go back to a place of steadiness with him.
This was reflected in how Esther responded to Brené’s sharing of her relationship with her husband in the episode: Brené tended to be the certain one while her husband was the asking and doubting one. Esther said: “The reason why you can be so certain is you have the other person who is articulating the part of you that is being disavowed.”
We take on roles in relationships. My role is to do this and be responsible for that, while your role is to do that and be responsible for this.
Roles are normal, as Esther suggested. They only become problematic when they become rigid, turn into a fixed personality or character we’re stuck with, and are used against one another. For example, if one day I no longer want to be the certain one, can I trust that you can take on that part, giving me the space to ask questions?
This requires flexibility in relationships. It involves a willingness to be flexible, to change, to move, and to adapt if we want to keep growing and thriving together.
We take cues from each other and choreograph our dance together. As Esther put it in her conversation with Lewis Howes:
What works when we’re just two is not the same as what works when we’re four. What works when we’re in our 20s isn’t the same as when we’re in our 50s. What works when we have this type of career is not the same as now…the very principles you apply to companies today are flexibility, fluidity, the ability to reinvent itself, to redefine itself, to manage tradition and innovation, is really what has to enter into all modern love.
Life can throw a lot at us, and it can get really messy sometimes. If what we believed we had, or how we saw each other, can’t keep up with life’s current demands, how can we adjust our dance moves accordingly?
Do we find a new dance partner?
Or can we find a new way to dance but with the same partner?
Maybe you’re content in your relationship right now and haven’t considered these questions. Or perhaps you’ve been thinking a lot about your relationship lately, feeling like something is missing or off-balance. No matter where you stand, Esther’s questions below might help you check in with your partner to ensure you’re both dancing in the direction you want.
“How are we doing?”
“What has been good in our life?”
“What could we do better?”
“What could we do differently?”
“What has changed for us?”
“Are we meeting some of our important needs at this point?”
